Un-Settling

Letting go of routine

We did it. We moved. Jerry and I that is. I’m not sure which one of us it’s affected more. He hasn’t left the guest room, my room I suppose, and when he does it’s to pee on my parent’s carpet and hiss at our dog, Henry. I’ve left the guest room, and when I do it’s been to merge my things with my parents’, remind myself I’m not going anywhere for awhile, and try not to freak out.

I’m extremely fortunate. I have a family that is welcoming me home with open arms and I know what a privilege it is to have this chance to reset at home. A chance to get un-settled, re-settled, and completely off of my routine.

I’d say for most if not all of my adult life I had a weird internal need to prove myself. However, I didn’t have a definition for what that meant. What was “proving myself?” Couldn’t tell ya. Except failure was not an option. Welp. With a really crappy mantra like that with zero definition of what it actually meant, I can not-so-proudly say that all that led to was a lot of burnout, a lot of cancelling plans, and a lot of ‘working’ furiously on a whole lot of nothing.

What it’s also led to is feeling terrible about myself in moments like these when we hit the pause button (or it’s hit for us) and we’re left struggling with knowing this pause is MORE productive than the chaos-driven routine monster we typically are.

This is a good thing. This uncomfortable feeling is good. It’s what I need.

This time at home is a gift I’ve been granted to re-invent the life I want to live. To re-wire the thoughts in my own head. To break my routines. And to get crystal clear on who I want to be and what I want to feel.

Here’s to un-settling.