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Move Moving Moved

Same Me Different Place

I joke that I never stop moving. I’ve always felt that for most of my life and most certainly all of my twenties (particularly ages 26-30), I felt like I was running. Never fully knowing what the heck I was chasing or what I was running from. The mentality of ‘the only way out is through’ has served as my personal mantra that propels me full throttle through every area of my life. Compartmentalizing along the way and charging towards the (nonexistent) finish line. Naturally, this was and is a great way to nurture burn out and a constant state of burning down.

the only way out is through

If you’ve gone through anything in life (which at this point that’s all of us hi 2020 you dick), hopefully you’ve taken a moment to realize that the “through” part of the aforementioned mentality is where life happens, learning happens, magic happens. And sure, burn out might be part of it. But it’s what you learn from that state of burn out, how long that state lasts, and what you do moving forward that matters.

It’s that messy middle that makes or breaks you. Or really, makes and breaks you and then does it again.

It breaks you down, tests you, pushes you, picks you up, and forces you to deal with situations you’ve never dealt with before. Call it the process, the journey (gross), the present, the now, or call it what it is – life. It’s this time of ‘getting through’ that we learn and we grow. We learn what makes us stronger and what breaks us in half. But – and here’s where I’ve gone off the rails –  there is a fine line between getting through a trying and chaotic time and creating a life and identity that is defined by trying and chaotic times. A line of self inflicted stress and chaos I’ve teetered for a long time.

In many ways this crazy person I am, the one moving fast and finding comfort in chaos, has given me opportunities and opened doors for me that I didn’t know existed. Right now in this moment, I’m where I am because I chose to step away from certain people and situations, and step towards other people and situations. I chose to bring chaos and burn out into my life. I believe small doses spaced out are important. You have to push and you have to push harder. But it can’t be 24/7, 365 days. That constant state of getting through and chasing a nonexistent finish line is not sustainable.

Shocking. But I feel strongly that you can’t really appreciate the good things in life without experiencing the bad. You can’t fully understand how unsustainable something is until you’ve truly been in the weeds first, experiencing it firsthand.

Which brings me to now. Where am I? And dear god, where is JERRY?

I’m in a different headspace that’s for sure. Jerry isn’t.

I’m living in a different apartment. So is Jerry.

I have a new job. Jerry’s unemployed.

I’m not running in a frenzied state of getting through. Jerry is but only after he poops.

But I am running. Running into the life I want, am earning, and the endless possibilities I’m choosing to see. Because life is too exciting to sit still.

Have you ever taken a second to see how the things in your life, like where you live, are a reflection of the life going on in your own head? I know that’s a little out there kids but hear me out. Why is it that we feel so much better when our living or working environment is clean, organized, and optimized for productivity? Because it gives us control over something and the feeling that no matter what is actually happening in the world that is out of our control – like a work or family situation – we can control what’s around us and how we look and react to it.

Now let me tell you about my new place. And what this move is teaching me.

My shiny new Emily and Jerry digs. Regardless of the physical space itself, it’s new and it’s different. It’s requiring new behaviors and new routines. And it’s a direct reflection of this stage in my life and the life I want to live.

And the life I want to provide for Jerry.

For the last few years I’ve been living in a state of redlining, running from my own thoughts, having the mindset that I’m too busy or stressed out to have any sort of life. The mindset that I shouldn’t allow myself certain comforts or activities, that I haven’t earned it. And therefore, I unintentionally created a life to match these thoughts. I created a world that reflected my last four years – chaos.

In the last year I’ve taken many moments to look around at the life I was living and forced myself to sit with the choices I made to get there. Whether it was a dark moment or a happy one, all of us are the product of our own choices. Sure we can point the finger at situations and people and I’m not saying those things don’t shoulder some blame (like Covid you jerk), but it doesn’t change the fact that we are in charge of our actions and what we do about any given situation.

We are what we consistently do. Not what we think about doing. Or say we’ll do.

we are what we consistently do

How many times was I burning down – *ahem letting myself burn down –  and wondering how much longer I could hold on, only to get up and repeat the same patterns?

I’m seeing differently these days.

Even in the hard times, I’ve been actively trying to reframe my mindset. It started with recognizing the world I had created for myself and how limiting it felt. And the realization of what I had put up with and said yes to that was keeping me in this never ending cycle. After that recognition it took reaching out to those smarter than me and putting myself out there. Luckily I’ve gotten quite good at uncomfortable conversations.

Conversations like

…help me I need to learn how to actually set a budget that makes sense to me and learn the difference between money and wealth, or

…hey this is what I like to do and what I hate doing, I have no idea what it means but I’m telling you in the hopes that you’ll have an idea or two that I could take into consideration, or

…hi I have this business idea I’m not sure what to do with it but I think it has potential, or

…I don’t know why but I’m losing my shit right now and I’m letting you know that I’m not okay because maybe you aren’t either and I don’t want to feel alone right now, or

…just letting you know I have a great feeling about this and I haven’t felt this way in a long time and no matter what I’m going to make this work and I can’t thank you enough for simply being in my life

…what is the difference between a gosh darn foundation, bed frame, box spring, mattress protector, mattress pad, flat sheet, normal sheet, and why on God’s green earth are there so many layers

Take inventory of life every once in awhile. Who and what is around you, both physically and in your head and heart. Life is confusing but like my dad says, you can always find something good in each day.

I believe that on any given day we are all truly doing the best we can, but that doesn’t mean we can’t keep growing and keep looking for areas to tweak or improve upon.

So now, time to unpack and make this new space one that feels safe, feels positive, feels like home.

With maybe just a splash of chaos.

I am me after all.

 

 

 

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